The Brain

“The brain is a wonderful organ; it starts working the moment you get up in the morning and doesn’t stop until you get to work.”

Job Hunting

I’ve been working hard lately. I thought you might like to know what I’ve been up to.

I got a job at an orange juice factory, but I couldn’t concentrate so I got canned.

Then I worked in the woods as a lumber jack, but I just couldn’t hack it, so they gave me the axe.

After that I tried to be a tailor, but I just wasn’t suited for it – mainly because it was a so-so job.

Next I tried working at the muffler shop, but that was just exhausting!

I wanted to be a barber, but I just couldn’t cut it.

Then I tried being a Chef – figured it would add a little spice to my life, but I just didn’t have the thyme.

I attempted to work at the Deli, But any way I sliced it, I couldn’t cut the mustard.

I studied a long time and became a doctor, then found out that I didn’t have the patients.

Shortly after that I found a job at the shoe factory. I tried, but I didn’t have the sole for it, besides, I just didn’t fit in.

One day I tried selling velcro, but couldn’t stick with it!

They suggested I try professional fishing, but soon discovered that I couldn’t live on my net income.

After training to be a fireman, I suffered from job burn out.

I did manage to get a good job with a pool maintenance company, but the work was too draining.

I applied for a job at Dickerson Park feeding the giraffes, but they said that I wasn’t up to it.

So then I applied at the gym, They said I wasn’t fit for it. Go figure??

I did get the job as the county historian. Then I realized that there was no future in it.

Someone suggested I look into becoming a transplant surgeon, but my heart just wasn’t in it.

A tennis instructor would have been fun, but it wasn’t my racket. I way too high strung.

Spent some time farming, but I wasn’t out standing in my field.

Looked into becoming a pilot, but they said I had a bad altitude.

So now I’ve retired and found that I’m a perfect fit for this job.

Vacation Time

Jill had applied for a job and when she returned home, her mother asked how the interview went.

“Pretty good I think”, replied Jill, “but if I go to work there I won’t get a vacation unless I’m married.

Her mother of course, had never heard of such a thing and asked “Is that what they told you?

“No”, replied Jill, “they didn’t tell me that, but on the application it said, ‘Vacation time may not be taken until you’ve had your First Anniversary.’

Nobody Wears Shoes

Two researchers were independently dispatched to one of the world’s least developed countries by a large shoe manufacturer. Their task was to assess the business possibilities within that country.

When the first report came back to the manufacturer’s headquarters, the message read: “No market here. Nobody wears shoes!” A few days later, the second report came back from the other researcher. It read: “Great market here. Nobody wears shoes!”

Just One Copy

A young executive was leaving the office late one evening when he found the Chief Executive Officer (CEO) standing in front of a shredder with a piece of paper in his hand.

“Listen,” said the CEO, “this is a very sensitive and important document here, and my secretary has gone for the night. Can you make this thing work?”

“Certainly,” said the young executive.

He turned the machine on, inserted the paper, and pressed the start button.

“Excellent, excellent!” said the CEO as his paper disappeared inside the machine. “I just need one copy.”

Job Interviews Gone Bad

We’ve all been interviewed for jobs. And, we’ve all spent most of those interviews thinking about what not to do. Don’t bite your nails. Don’t fidget. Don’t interrupt. Don’t belch. If we did any of the don’ts, we knew we’d disqualify ourselves instantly. But some job applicants go light years beyond this. We surveyed top personnel executives of 100 major American corporations and asked for stories of unusual behavior by job applicants. The lowlights:

• Said he was so well qualified [that] if he didn’t get the job, it would prove that the company’s management was incompetent.
• Stretched out on the floor to fill out the job application.
• Brought her large dog to the interview.
• Chewed bubble gum and constantly blew bubbles.
• Candidate kept giggling through serious interview.
• She wore a Walkman and said she could listen to me and the music at the same time.
• Balding candidate abruptly excused himself. Returned to office a few minutes later, wearing a hairpiece.
• Applicant challenged interviewer to arm wrestle.
• Asked to see interviewer’s resume to see if the personnel executive was qualified to judge the candidate.
• Announced she hadn’t had lunch and proceeded to eat a hamburger and french fries in the interviewer’s office.
• Without saying a word, candidate stood up and walked out during the middle of the interview.
• Man wore jogging suit to interview for position as financial vice president.
• Said if he were hired, he would demonstrate his loyalty by having the corporate logo tattooed on his forearm.
• Interrupted to phone his therapist for advice on answering specific interview questions.
• Wouldn’t get out of the chair until I would hire him. I had to call the police.
• When I asked him about his hobbies, he stood up and started tap dancing around my office.
• Had a little pinball game and challenged me to play with him.
• Bounced up and down on my carpet and told me I must be highly thought of by the company because I was given such a thick carpet.
• Took a brush out of MY purse, brushed his hair and left.
• Pulled out a Polaroid camera and snapped a flash picture of me. Said he collected photos of everyone who interviewed him.
• Candidate asked me if I would put on a suit jacket to insure that the offer was formal.
• Said he wasn’t interested because the position paid too much.
• While I was on a long-distance phone call, the applicant took out a copy of Penthouse, and looked through the photos only, stopping longest at the centerfold.
• During the interview, an alarm clock went off from the candidate’s briefcase. He took it out, shut it off, apologized and said he had to leave for another interview.
• A telephone call came in for the job applicant. It was from his wife. His side of the conversation went like this “Which company? When do I start? What’s the salary?” I said, “I assume you’re not interested in conducting the interview any further.” He promptly responded, “I am as long as you’ll pay me more.” I didn’t hire him, but later found out there was no other job offer. It was a scam to get a higher offer.
• An applicant came in wearing only one shoe. She explained that the other shoe was stolen off her foot in the bus.
• His attaché [case] opened when he picked it up and the contents spilled, revealing ladies’ undergarments and assorted makeup and perfume.
• He came to the interview with a moped and left it in the reception area. He didn’t want it to get stolen, and stated that he would require indoor parking for the moped.
• He took off his right shoe and sock, removed a medicated foot powder can and dusted it on the foot and in the shoe. While he was putting back the shoe and sock, he mentioned that he had to use the powder four times a day, and this was the time.
• Candidate said he really didn’t want to get a job, but the unemployment office needed proof that he was looking for one.
• He whistled when the interviewer was talking.
• Asked who the lovely babe was, pointing to the picture on my desk. When I said it was my wife, he asked if she was home now and wanted my phone number. I called security.
• She threw-up on my desk, and immediately started asking questions about the job, like nothing had happened.
• Pointing to a black case he carried into my office, he said that if he was not hired, the bomb would go off. Disbelieving, I began to state why he would never be hired and that I was going to call the police. He then reached down to the case, flipped a switch and ran. No one was injured, but I did need to get a new desk.
• Asked if I wanted some cocaine before starting the interview.

Vice Presidents and personnel directors of the one hundred largest corporations were asked to describe their most unusual experience interviewing prospective employees.

• Candidate fell and broke arm during interview.
• Candidate explained that her long-term goal was to replace the interviewer.
• Candidate brought large dog to interview.
• Applicant refused to sit down and insisted on being interviewed standing up.
• Candidate dozed off during interview.

The employers were also asked to list the “most unusual” questions that have been asked by job candidates.

• “What is it that you people do at this company?”
• “What is the company motto?”
• “Why aren’t you in a more interesting business?”
• “Why do you want references?”
• “Do I have to dress for the next interview?”
• “I know this is off the subject, but will you marry me?”
• “Will the company move my rock collection from California to Maryland?”
• “Does your health insurance cover pets?”
• “Does your company have a policy regarding concealed weapons?”

Lawn Work

“Winterize your lawn,” the big sign outside the garden store commanded. I’ve fed it, watered it, mowed it, raked it and watched a lot of it die anyway. Now I’m supposed to winterize it? I hope it’s too late. Grass lawns have to be the stupidest thing we’ve come up with outside of thong swimsuits! We constantly battle dandelions, Queen Anne’s lace, thistle, violets, chicory and clover that thrive naturally, so we can grow grass that must be nursed through an annual four-step chemical dependency.

Imagine the conversation The Creator might have with St. Francis about this:

“Frank you know all about gardens and nature. What in the world is going on down there in the Midwest? What happened to the dandelions, violets, thistle and stuff I started eons ago? I had a perfect, no-maintenance garden plan. Those plants grow in any type of soil, withstand drought and multiply with abandon. The nectar from the
long-lasting blossoms attracted butterflies, honey bees and flocks of songbirds. I expected to see a vast garden of colors by now. But all I see are these green rectangles.”

“It’s the tribes that settled there, Lord. The Suburbanites. They started calling your flowers ‘weeds’ and went to great extent to kill them and replace them with grass.”

“Grass? But it’s so boring. It’s not colorful. It doesn’t attract butterflies, birds and bees, only grubs and sod worms. It’s temperamental with temperatures. Do these Suburbanites really want all that grass growing there?”

“Apparently so, Lord. They go to great pains to grow it and keep it green. They begin each spring by fertilizing grass and poisoning any other plant that crops up in the lawn.”

“The spring rains and cool weather probably make grass grow really fast. That must make the Suburbanites happy.”

“Apparently not, Lord. As soon as it grows a little, they cut it – sometimes twice a week.”

“They cut it? Do they then bale it like hay?”

“Not exactly, Lord. Most of them rake it up and put it in bags.”

“They bag it? Why? Is it a cash crop? Do they sell it?”

“No, sir. Just the opposite. They pay to throw it away”

“Now let me get this straight. They fertilize grass so it will grow. And when it does grow, they cut it off and pay to throw it away?”

“Yes, sir.”

“These Suburbanites must be relieved in the summer when we cut back on the rain and turn up the heat. That surely slows the growth and saves them a lot of work.”

“You aren’t going believe this Lord. When the grass stops growing so fast, they drag out hoses and pay more money to water it so they can continue to mow it and pay to get rid of it.”

“What nonsense! At least they kept some of the trees. That was a sheer stroke of genius, if I do say so myself. The trees grow leaves in the spring to provide beauty and shade in the summer. In the autumn they fall to the ground and form a natural blanket to keep moisture in the soil and protect the trees and bushes. Plus, as they rot, the leaves form compost to enhance the soil. It’s a natural circle of life.”

“You better sit down, Lord. The Suburbanites have drawn a new circle. As soon as the leaves fall, they rake them into great piles and have them hauled away.”

“No! What do they do to protect the shrub and tree roots in the winter and keep the soil moist and loose?”

“After throwing away your leaves, they go out and buy something they call mulch. They haul it home and spread it around in place of the leaves.”

“And where do they get this mulch?”

“They cut down trees and grind them up.”

“Enough! I don’t want to think about this anymore. Saint Catherine, you’re in charge of the arts. What movie have you scheduled for us tonight?”

“Dumb and Dumber, Lord. It’s a real stupid movie about…”

“Never mind I think I just heard the whole story.”

House Cleaning Help

Smith goes to see his supervisor. “Boss,” he says, “we’re doing some heavy house-cleaning at home tomorrow, and my wife needs me to help with the attic and the garage, moving and hauling stuff.”

“We’re short-handed, Smith,” the boss says. “I can’t give you the day off.”

“Thanks, boss,” says Smith. “I knew I could count on you!”

Quick Thinking Clerk

There is a story about a new clerk in a supermarket. A customer asked him if she could buy half a grapefruit. Not knowing what to do, he excused himself to ask the manager.

“Some nut out there wants to buy half a grapefruit…” he began, and, suddenly realizing that the customer had entered the office behind him, continued, “… and this lovely lady would like to buy the other half.”

The manager was impressed with the way the clerk amicably resolved the problem and they later started chatting. “Where are you from?” asked the store manager.

“Lancaster, Pennsylvania,” replied the clerk, “home of ugly women and great hockey teams.”

“Oh, my WIFE is from Lancaster,” challenged the manager.

Without skipping a beat, the clerk asked, “What team was she on?”

Travel Agent Tales

The following are actual stories provided by travel agents:

• I had someone ask for an aisle seat so that their hair wouldn’t get messed up by being near the window.
• A client called in inquiring about a package to Hawaii. After going over all the cost information, she asked, “Would it be cheaper to fly to California & then take the train to Hawaii ?”
• I got a call from a woman who wanted to go to Capetown. I started to the length of the flight and the passport information when she interrupted me with “I’m not trying to make you look stupid, but Cape Town is in Massachusetts.”
• Without trying to make her look like the stupid one, I calmly explained, “Cape Cod is in Massachusetts, Capetown is in South Africa.”

  Her response was “click”.

• A man called, furious about a Florida package we did. I asked what was wrong with the vacation in Orlando. He said he was expecting an ocean-view room. I tried to explain that is not possible, since Orlando is in the middle of the state.

  He Replied, “Don’t lie to me. I looked on the map and Florida is a
  very thin state.”

• I got a call from a man who asked, “Is it possible to see England from Canada?”

  I said, “No.”

  He said, “But they look so close on the Map.”

• Another man called and asked if he could rent a car in Dallas. When I pulled up the reservation, I noticed he had a 1-hour lay over in Dallas. When I asked him why he wanted to rent a car, he said, “I heard Dallas was a big airport, and I need a car to drive between the gates to save time.”
• A nice lady just called. She needed to know how it was possible that her flight from Detroit left at 8:20am and got into Chicago at 8:33am. I tried to that Michigan was an hour ahead of Illinois, but she could not understand the concept of Time zones.

  Finally I told her the plane went very fast, and she bought that!

• A woman called and asked, “Do airlines put your physical description on your bag so they know whose luggage belongs to who ?”

  I said, “No,why do you ask?”

  She replied, “Well, when I checked in with the airline, they put a tag on my luggage that said FAT, and I’m overweight, is there any connection ?”

  After putting her on hold for a minute while “I looked into it,” (I was actually laughing) I came back and explained that the city code for Fresno is FAT, and that the airline was just putting a destination tag on her luggage.

• I just got off the phone with a man who asked, “How do I know which plane to get on ?”

  I asked him what exactly he meant, to which he replied, “I was told my flight number is 823, but none of these darn planes have numbers on them.”

• A woman called and said, “I need to fly to Pepsi-cola on one of those computer planes.”

  I asked if she meant to fly to Pensacola on a commuter plane.

  She said, “Yeah, whatever.”

• A businessman called and had a question about the documents he needed in order to fly to China. After a lengthy discussion about passports, I reminded him he needed a visa.

  “Oh no I don’t, I’ve been to China many times and never had to have one of those.”

  I double-checked and sure enough, his stay needs a visa. When I told him this he said, “Look, I’ve been to China four times and every time they have accepted my American Express.”

• A woman called to make reservations.

  “I want to go from Chicago to Hippopotamus, New York.”

  The agent was at a loss for words. Finally, the agent asked, “Are you sure that’s the name of the town?”

  “Yes, what flights do you have?” replied the customer.

  After some searching, the agent came back with, “I’m sorry, ma’am, I’ve looked up every airport code in the country and can’t find a Hippopotamus anywhere.”

  The customer retorted, “Oh don’t be silly. Everyone knows where it is. Check your map!”

  The agent scoured a map of the state of New York and finally offered, “You don’t mean Buffalo, do you?”

The New Teacher Interview

Being interviewed by the school administration, the eager teaching prospect said: “Let me see if I’ve got this right.

You want me to go into that room with all those kids, and fill their every waking moment with a love for learning. And I’m supposed to instill a sense of pride in their ethnicity, modify their disruptive behavior, observe them for signs of abuse and even censor their T-shirt messages and dress habits.

You want me to wage a war on drugs and sexually transmitted diseases, check their backpacks for weapons of mass destruction, and raise their self esteem.

You want me to teach them patriotism, good citizenship, sportsmanship, fair play, how to register to vote, how to balance a checkbook, and how to apply for a job.

I am to check their heads for! lice, maintain a safe environment, recognize signs of anti-social behavior, make sure all students pass the mandatory state exams, even those who don’t come to school regularly or complete any of their assignments.

Plus, I am to make sure that all of the students with handicaps get an equal education regardless of the extent of their mental or physical handicap. And I am to communicate regularly with the parents by letter, telephone, newsletter and report card.

All of this I am to do with just a piece of chalk, a computer, a few books, a bulletin board, a big smile AND on a starting salary that qualifies my family for food stamps!

You want me to do all of this and yet, you expect me….. NOT TO PRAY?”

Worker Ants

The teacher was giving her class of seven-year-olds a natural-history lesson. “Worker ants,” she told them, “can carry pieces of food five times their own weight. What do you conclude from that?”

One child was ready with the answer: “They don’t have a union.”

Parts is Parts

A parts manager for a small electronics shop, had occasion to order part No. 669 from the factory. But when he received it he noticed that someone had sent part No. 699 instead.

Furious at the factory’s incompetence, he promptly sent the part back along with a letter giving them a piece of his mind.

Less than a week later, he received the same part back with a letter containing just four words:

“TURN THE PART OVER.”

How to Keep the Office Interesting

• Put a chair facing a printer, sit there all day and tell people you’re waiting for your document.
• Arrive at a meeting late, say you’re sorry, but you didn’t have time for lunch, and you’re going to be nibbling during the meeting. During the meeting eat 5 raw potatoes.
• Insist that your e-mail address be “zena_goddess_of_fire@companyname.com”
• Every time someone asks you to do something, ask them to sign a waiver.
• Every time someone asks you to do something, ask them if they want fries with that.
• Page yourself over the intercom. (Don’t disguise your voice.)
• Name all your pens and insist that meetings can’t begin until they’re all present.
• Make up nicknames for all your coworkers and refer to them only by these names. “That’s a good point, Sparky”…”No, I’m sorry I’m going to have to disagree with you there, Chachi.”
• Include a piece of your children’s artwork as a cover page for all reports that you write. (If you don’t have children, draw stick figures yourself.)
• Agree to organize the company Christmas party. Hold it at McDonald’s Playland. Charge everyone $25 each.
• Send e-mail to the rest of the company telling them what you’re doing. For example “If anyone needs me, I’ll be in the bathroom.”
• Put your garbage can on your desk. Label it “IN.”
• Organize a carpool. Go to pick everyone up in a taxi.
• Hang mistletoe over your desk.
• Include a personal note on every e-mail you send: “On a personal note, I’m feeling a bit tired and grumpy today.”…”On a personal note, I’m pleased to announce that I got my highest score ever on Tetris last night.”
• Put up mosquito netting around your cubicle.
• Decorate your office with pictures of Cindy Brady and Danny Partridge. Try to pass them off as your children.
• Put decaf in the coffeemaker for 3 weeks. Once everyone has gotten over their caffeine addictions, switch to espresso.

Resume Problems

How bad a mistake can you make on your resume? Here are some real-life examples:

• “My intensity and focus are at inordinately high levels, and my ability to complete projects on time is unspeakable.”
• “Education: Curses in liberal arts, curses in computer science, curses in accounting.”
• “Instrumental in ruining entire operation for a Midwest chain store.”
• “Personal: Married, 1992 Chevrolet.”
• “I have an excellent track record, although I am not a horse.”
• “I am a rabid typist.”
• “Created a new market for pigs by processing, advertising and selling a gourmet pig mail order service on the side.”
• “Exposure to German for two years, but many words are not appropriate for business.”
• “Proven ability to track down and correct erors.”
• “Personal interests: Donating blood. 15 gallons so far.”
• “I have become completely paranoid, trusting completely nothing and absolutely no one.”
• “References: None, I’ve left a path of destruction behind me.”
• “Strengths: Ability to meet deadlines while maintaining composer.”
• “Don’t take the comments of my former employer too seriously, they were unappreciative beggars and slave drivers.”
• “My goal is to be a meteorologist. But since I possess no training in meteorology, I suppose I should try stock brokerage.”
• “I procrastinate–especially when the task is unpleasant.”
• “I am loyal to my employer at all costs…Please feel free to respond to my resume on my office voicemail.”
• “Qualifications: No education or experience.”
• “Disposed of $2.5 billion in assets.”
• “Accomplishments: Oversight of entire department.”
• “Extensive background in accounting. I can also stand on my head!”
• Cover letter: “Thank you for your consideration. Hope to hear from you shorty!”

*Reasons For Leaving Last Job*

• Responsibility makes me nervous.
• They insisted that all employees get to work by 8:45 every morning. Couldn’t work under those conditions.
• Was met with a string of broken promises and lies, as well as cockroaches.
• I was working for my mom until she decided to move.
• The company made me a scapegoat – just like my three previous employers.

*Job Responsibilities*

• While I am open to the initial nature of an assignment, I am decidedly disposed that it be so oriented as to at least partially incorporate the experience enjoyed heretofore and that it be configured so as to ultimately lead to the application of more rarefied facets of financial management as the major sphere of responsibility.
• I was proud to win the Gregg Typting Award.

*Special Requests and Job Objectives*

• Please call me after 5:30 because I am self-employed and my employer does not know I am looking for another job.

*Physical Disabilities*

• Minor allergies to house cats and Mongolian sheep.

*Small Typos That Can Change the Meaning*

• Education: College, August 1880-May 1984.
• Work Experience: Dealing with customers’ conflicts that arouse.
• Develop and recommend an annual operating expense fudget.