Lawyers and Their Questions

Lawyers aren’t typically funny–unless by accident. Case in point: The following questions from lawyers were taken from official records nationwide:

• Was that the same nose you broke as a child?
• Now, doctor, isn’t it true that when a person dies in his sleep, in most cases he just passes quietly away and doesn’t know anything about it until the next morning?
• Q: What happened then?
  A: He told me, he says, ‘I have to kill you because you can identify me.’
  Q: Did he kill you?

• Was it you or your brother that was killed in the war?
• The youngest son, the 20-year-old, how old is he?
• Were you alone or by yourself?
• How long have you been a French Canadian?
• Do you have children or anything of that kind?
• Q: I show you exhibit 3 and ask you if you recognize that picture?
  A: That’s me.
  Q: Were you present when that picture was taken?

• Were you present in court this morning when you were sworn in?
• Q: Now, Mrs. Johnson, how was your first marriage terminated?
  A: By death.
  Q: And by whose death was it terminated?

• Q: Do you know how far pregnant you are now?
  A: I’ll be three months on November 8.
  Q: Apparently, then, the date of conception was August 8?
  A: Yes
  Q: What were you doing at the time?

• Q: Mrs. Jones, do you believe you are emotionally stable?
  A: I used to be.
  Q: How many times have you committed suicide?

• So you were gone until you returned?
• Q: She had three children, right?
  A: Yes.
  Q: How many were boys?
  A: None
  Q: Were there girls?

• You don’t know what it was, and you don’t know what it looked like, but can you describe it?
• Q: You say that the stairs went down to the basement?
  A: Yes
  Q: And these stairs, did they go up also?

• Q: Have you lived in this town all your life?
  A: Not yet.

• A Texas attorney, realizing he was on the verge of unleashing a stupid question, interrupted himself and said, “Your Honor, I’d like to strike the next question.”
• Q: Do you recall approximately the time that you examined the body of Mr. Edington at the Rose Chapel?
  A: It was in the evening. The autopsy started about 8:30 p.m.
  Q: And Mr. Edington was dead at the time, is that correct?
  A: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy!

George W. Bush and Moses

George W. Bush was walking through an airport last week, when he saw an old man with white hair, a long white beard, wearing a long white robe and holding a staff.

He walked up to the man, who was staring at the ceiling, and said, “Excuse me, sir, aren’t you, um, Moses?”

The man stood perfectly still and continued to stare at the ceiling, saying nothing.

Again George W. asked, a little louder this time, “Excuse me, sir, aren’t you Moses?”

Again the old man stared at the ceiling motionless without saying a word.

George W. tried a third time, louder yet, “Excuse me, sir, aren’t you Moses?”

Again, no movement or words from the old man. He continued to stare at the ceiling.

One of George W’s aides asked him if there was a problem. W said, “Either this man is deaf or extremely rude. I’ve asked him three times if he was Moses, and he has not answered me yet.”

To which the man, still staring at the ceiling finally replied, “I can hear you, and yes, I *am* Moses, but the last time I spoke to a bush, I spent 40 years wandering in the wilderness.”