A Prayer for the Caregiver

Unknown and often unnoticed, you are a hero nonetheless.

For your love, sacrificial, is God at his best.

You walk by faith in the darkness of the great unknown,

And your courage, even in weakness, gives life to your beloved.

You hold shaking hands and provide the ultimate care:

Your presence, the knowing, that you are simply there.

You rise to face the giant of disease and despair,

It is your finest hour, though you may be unaware.

You are resilient, amazing, and beauty unexcelled,

You are the caregiver and you have done well!

- Bruce McIntyre

The New Hearing Aid

We have Assisted Listening Devices at our church for those who might not be able to hear the service without them. A few weeks ago I offered one to Mr. L.

He told me that he didn’t need one because he had just bought a new hearing aid, and it cost him $4,000. I asked him, “What kind is it?” He looked at his wrist and said, “About 10:55.”

The Brain

“The brain is a wonderful organ; it starts working the moment you get up in the morning and doesn’t stop until you get to work.”

A Balanced Diet

A balanced diet is a cookie in each hand.

Passing Gas

A little old lady goes to the doctor and says, “Doctor, I have this problem with gas, but it really doesn’t bother me too much. They never smell and are always silent. As a matter of fact I’ve passed gas at least 20 times since I’ve been here in your office. You didn’t know I was passing gas because they don’t smell and are silent.”

The doctor says, “I see. Take these pills and come back to see me next week.”

The next week the lady goes back. “Doctor,” she says, “I don’t know what the heck you gave me, but now when I pass gas although still silent they stink terribly.”

“Good,” the doctor said, “now that we’ve cleared up your sinuses, let’s work on your hearing.”

Weighing In

I am five feet, three inches tall and pleasingly plump. After I had a minor accident, my mother accompanied me to the emergency room.

The ER nurse asked for my height and weight, and I blurted out, “Five-foot-eight, 125 pounds.”

While the nurse pondered over this information, my mother leaned over to me.

“Sweetheart,” she gently chided, “this is a hospital, not the Internet.”

Exercising

I have to exercise early in the morning before my brain figures out what I’m doing.

I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me.

If you are going to try cross-country skiing, start with a small country.

Walking can add minutes to your life. This enables you at 85 years old to spend an additional 5 months in a nursing home at $5000 per month.

My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was 60. Now she’s 97 years old and we don’t know where on earth she is.

I joined a health club last year, spent about 400 bucks. Haven’t lost a pound. Apparently you have to go there.

And last but not least: I don’t exercise because it makes the ice jump right out of my glass.

You could run this over to your friends but why not just e-mail it to them!

Shots

Working as a pediatric nurse, I had the difficult assignment of giving immunization shots to children. One day I entered the examining room to give four-year-old Lizzie her shot.

“NO! NO! NO!” she screamed.

“Lizzie,” her mother scolded. “That’s not polite behavior.”

At that, the girl yelled even louder, “NO, THANK YOU! NO, THANK YOU!”

Because the Patient

• Because the patient has a need, we have a job to do.
• Because the patient has a choice, we must be the better choice.
• Because the patient has sensibilities, we must be considerate.
• Because the patient has urgency, we must be quick.
• Because the patient is unique, we must be flexible.
• Because the patient has high expectations, we must excel.
• Because the patient has influence, we have the hope of more patients.
• Because of the patient, we exist.

Knowing Who She Is

It was a busy morning, approximately 8:30 am, when an elderly gentleman, in his 80’s, arrived to have stitches removed from his thumb. He stated that he was in a hurry as he had an appointment at 9:00 am. I took his vital signs and had him take a seat, knowing it would be over an hour before someone would to able to see him.

I saw him looking at his watch and decided, since I was not busy with another patient, I would evaluate his wound. On exam, it was well healed, so I talked to one of the doctors, got the needed supplies to remove his sutures and redress his wound.

While taking care of his wound, we began to engage in conversation. I asked him if he had a doctor’s appointment this morning, as he was in such a hurry. The gentleman told me no, that he needed to go to the nursing home to eat breakfast with his wife. I then inquired as to her health. He told me that she had been there for a while and that she was a victim of Alzheimer Disease.

As we talked, and I finished dressing his wound, I asked if she would be worried if he was a bit late. He replied that she no longer knew who he was, thatshe had not recognized him in five years now.

I was surprised, and asked him. “And you still go every morning, even though she doesn’t know who you are?”

He smiled as he patted my hand and said. “She doesn’t know me, but I still know who she is.”

Great New Exercise Program

Here’s the exercise program I’m using to stay in shape this year. You might want to take it easy at first, then do it faster as you become more proficient. It may be too strenuous for some.

AS ALWAYS, CONSULT YOUR DOCTOR BEFORE STARTING ANY EXERCISE PROGRAM!

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Okay, that’s enough for the first day! (whew)

Miracle Doctor

A new miracle doctor had just arrived in town. He could cure anything and anybody, and everyone was
amazed with what he could do – everyone except for Mr. Thompson, the town skeptic.

Grumpy old Mr. Thompson went to this ‘miracle doctor’ to prove that he wasn’t anybody special. He went and
told the doctor, “Hey, doc, I have lost my sense of taste. I can’t taste nothin’, so what are ya goin’ to do?”

The doctor scratched his head and mumbled to himself a little, then told Mr. Thompson, “What you need is jar
number 47.”

So the doctor brought the jar and told Mr. Thompson to taste it.

He tasted it and immediately spit it out, “This is gross!” he yelled.

“I just restored your sense of taste Mr. Thompson,” said the doctor.

So Mr. Thompson went home very mad.

One month later, Mr. Thompson went back to the doctor along with a new problem, “Doc,” he started, “I can’t remember anything!”

Thinking he had the doctor stumped now, he waited as the doctor scratched his head, mumbled to himself a little, and told Mr. Thompson, “What you need is jar number 47…”

Immediately Mr. Thompson was cured and fled the room!

Signs You Are Getting Old

Everything hurts and what doesn’t hurt doesn’t work.

The gleam in your eyes is from the sun hitting your bi-focals.

You keep repeating yourself.

You feel like the morning after and you haven’t been anywhere.

Your little black book contains only names that end in M.D.

Your children begin to look middle aged.

You keep repeating yourself.

You finally reach the top of the ladder and find it leaning against the wrong wall.

Your mind makes contracts your body can’t meet.

You look forward to a dull evening.

Your favorite part of the newspaper is “20 Years Ago Today.”

You turn out the lights for economic rather than romantic reasons.

You sit in a rocking chair and can’t get it going.

Your knees buckle, and your belt won’t.

You’re 17 around the neck, 42 around the waist, and 105 around the golf course.

Your back goes out more than you do.

You sink your teeth into a steak, and they stay there.

You have too much room in the house and not enough in the medicine cabinet.

You know all the answers, but nobody asks you the questions.

You’re asleep, but others worry that you’re dead.

You’re proud of your lawn mower.

Your best friend is dating someone half their age…and isn’t breaking any laws.

Your arms are almost too short to read the newspaper.

You would rather go to work than stay home sick.

You make an appointment to see the dentist.

People call at 9 pm and ask, “Did I wake you?”

You have a dream about prunes.

You answer a question with, “Because I said so.”

You send money to PBS.

The end of your tie doesn’t come anywhere near the top of your pants.

You take a metal detector to the beach.

You wear black socks with sandals.

You can’t remember the last time you laid on the floor to watch TV.

Your ears and nose are hairier than your head.

You got cable for the Weather Channel (sometimes referred to as “Old Folks MTV”).

If a young girl looks at you, you check to make sure you remembered to put on your pants.

You keep repeating yourself.

You discover bifocals are stylish.

When you do the “Hokey Pokey” you put your left hip out…and you can’t get it back around.

Most women you know under 40 put you in the “Friend of my Father” class.

Relatives smile benignly rather than interrupt you as you retell the same story for the zillionth time.

You run out of breath walking DOWN a flight of stairs.

Conversations with people your own age often turn into “dueling ailments.”

People don’t harass you any more when you take an afternoon nap.

Your social security number only has three digits.

In a hostage situation you are likely to be released first.

It’s harder and harder for sexual harassment charges to stick.

Kidnappers are not very interested in you.

No one expects you to run into a burning building.

Restaurants stop asking to see your senior discount card.

People no longer view you as a hypochondriac.

There’s nothing left to learn the hard way.

Things you buy now won’t wear out.

You buy a compass for the dash of your car.

You can eat dinner at 4:00.

You consider coffee one of the most important things in life.

You constantly talk about the price of gasoline.

You’re actually interested in hearing about other people’s operations.

You get into a heated argument about pension plans and social security.

You have a party and the neighbors don’t even realize it.

You no longer think of speed limits as a challenge.

You quit trying to hold your stomach in, no matter who walks into the room.

You sing along with the elevator music.

You talk about “good grass” and you’re referring to someone’s lawn.

Your eyes won’t get much worse.

Your investment in health insurance is finally beginning to pay off.

Your joints are more accurate than the National Weather Service.

Your secrets are safe with your friends because they can’t remember them either.

Your supply of brain cells is finally down to a manageable size.

People begin sending you lists like this and you say, “Man, it is so funny,” but can’t remember even one line to recite.

A Baby's Earache

A woman brought her baby in to see the doctor, and he determined right away the baby had an earache.

He wrote a prescription for ear drops. In the directions he wrote, “Put two drops in right ear every four hours” and he abbreviated “right” as an R with a circle around it.

Several days passed, and the woman returned with her baby, complaining that the baby still had an earache, and his little behind was getting really greasy with all those drops of oil.

The doctor looked at the bottle of ear drops and sure enough, the pharmacist had typed the following instructions on the label:

“Put two drops in R ear every four hours.”

Anesthesia Wearing Off

Irving was just coming out of anesthesia after a series of tests in the hospital, and his wife, Sarah, was sitting at his bedside. His eyes fluttered open, and he murmured, “You’re beautiful.”Flattered, Sarah continued her vigil while he drifted back to sleep. Later he woke up and said, “You’re cute.”

“What happened to ‘beautiful?’” Sarah asked.

“I guess the drugs must be wearing off,” he replied.