The $2.99 Special

We went to breakfast at a restaurant where the ’seniors’ special’ was two eggs, bacon, hash browns and toast for $2.99.

‘Sounds good,’ my wife said. ‘But I don’t want the eggs.’

‘Then, I’ll have to charge you three dollars and forty-nine cents because you’re ordering a la carte,’ the waitress warned her.

‘You mean I’d have to pay for not taking the eggs?’ my wife asked incredulously.

‘YES!!’ stated the waitress.

‘I’ll take the special then,’ my wife said.

‘How do you want your eggs?’ the waitress asked.

‘Raw and in the shell,’ my wife replied. She took the two eggs home and baked a cake.

The Realistic Miracle Diet

Breakfast: 1/2 grapefruit, 1 slice of whole wheat toast, 8 oz. low fat or skim milk

Lunch: 4 oz lean broiled chicken breast, 1 cup steamed spinach, 1 cup herbal tea, 1 Oreo cookie

Mid-Afternoon Snack: Rest of Oreos in pack, 2 pints Haagen Daz ice cream, 1 jar hot fudge sauce, nuts, cherries, whipped cream.

Dinner: 2 loaves garlic bread with cheese, Large sausage and cheese pizza, 4 cans or 1 large pitcher diet soda, 3 Milky Way candy bars

Late Evening News: Entire Sara Lee cheesecake eaten directly from freezer.

BASIC RULES FOR THIS DIET

• If you eat something and no one sees you eat it, it has no calories.
• If you drink diet soda with candy bars, the calories in the candy bar are cancelled out by the diet soda.
• When you eat with someone else, calories don’t count as long as you don’t eat more than they do.
• Food used for medicinal purposes never counts, such as hot chocolate, toast, and Sara Lee cheesecake.
• If you fatten up the people around you, then you look thinner.
• Movie-related foods do not have additional calories because they are part of the entire entertainment package and are not part of one’s personal intake. (Examples are Milk Duds, buttered popcorn, Junior Mints, Red Hots and Tootsie Rolls.)
• Cookie pieces contain no calories. The process of breaking cookies causes caloric leakage.
• Things licked off knives and spoons have no calories if you are in the process of preparing something. (Examples are peanut butter on a knife while making a sandwich or ice cream on a spoon while making a sundae.)
• Foods that have the same color have the same number of calories. For instance, spinach and pistachio ice cream, cauliflower and whipped cream.
• NOTE: Chocolate is a universal substitute and may be used in place of any other food.

The Love of Baked Beans

Once upon a time there lived a man who had a maddening passion for baked beans. He loved them, but they always had a very embarrassing and somewhat lively reaction on him. Then one day he met a beautiful girl and he fell madly in love with her.

When it was apparent that they would marry he thought to himself, “She is such a sweet and lovely girl, she will never go for this carrying on.” So he made the supreme sacrifice and gave up his beloved beans. They were married shortly thereafter.

Some months after his marriage, his car broke down on his way home from work. Since he and his wife lived in the country, he phoned her to say he wouldn’t be home at his usual hour because he had to walk the rest of the way home.

On his way home he passed a small cafe and the odor of freshly baked beans was overwhelming. Since he still had several miles to walk, he figured he could walk off any ill effects before he got home, so he stopped at the cafe. Before leaving he ate three large helpings of baked beans. All the way home he putt-putted and after arriving home, felt he had putt-putted his last.

His wife was somewhat agitated and excited to see him and exclaimed delightedly, “Darling, I have the most wonderful surprise for dinner this evening.”She then blindfolded him and led him to his seat at the head of the table. He sat down and just as she was about to remove the blindfold, the telephone rang. She made him promise not to touch the blindfold until she returned. She left him to answer the phone. Seizing the opportunity, he shifted his weight to one leg and let one go. It was not only loud but as ripe as rotten eggs.

He took his napkin and vigorously fanned the air around him. He felt another urge coming on, shifted to the other leg, and let go again. This was a prize winner! While keeping one ear on the phone conversation, he kept on for another ten minutes. Upon hearing the phone hang up, he placed his napkin in his lap, folded his hands on top of it and smiled contentedly to himself, the very picture of innocence.

Apologizing for taking so long, she asked if he had peeked and he, of course, assured her that he hadn’t. At this point she removed the blindfold and there was his surprise–twelve dinner guests seated around the table for a birthday party!