The Broken Doll

Little Emily ran into the house, crying as though her heart would break.

“What’s wrong, dear?” asked her mother.

“My doll! Billy broke it!” she sobbed.

“How did he break it, Emily?”

“I hit him over the head with it.”

The Vacant Seat

A sports fan was sitting in the top row at the Super Bowl, barely able to see the field. He noticed a vacant seat about 3 rows back on the 50-yard line. It was still vacant when the second quarter started, so he went down and asked the man seated next to it if anyone was sitting there.

The man said “No, have a seat.” A few minutes later he asked the man if he knew whose seat this was and why they weren’t here at such an important event. The man said that for ten years it had been his wife’s seat but that she had passed away.

Feeling sorry for the nice man, the fan asked if he didn’t have a friend or family member that he could have offered the seat to instead of just leaving it vacant. The man said “No, they’re all at the funeral.”

Marriages are Made in Heaven

“Marriages are made in heaven, but so are thunder and lightning.”

Sincerity

One summer evening, an thirteen-year-old came in while his parents were setting the table for supper. Quite surprisingly, he asked if he could help.

His mother said, “No, but I appreciate your asking.”

The child responded, “Well, I appreciate your saying no.”

The Mommy Test

I was out walking with my then 4 year old daughter. She picked up something off the ground and started to put it in her mouth. I asked her not to do that.

“Why?”

“Because it’s been laying outside and is dirty and probably has germs.”

At this point, she looked at me with total admiration and asked, “Wow! How do you know all this stuff?”

“Uh,” I was thinking quickly, everyone knows this stuff, “Um, it’s on the Mommy test. You have to know it, or they don’t let you be a Mommy.”

“Oh.”

We walked along in silence for 2 or 3 minutes, but she was evidently pondering this new information.

“I get it!!!!” she beamed. “Then if you flunk, you have to be the Daddy.”

Changing a Flat

A kind-hearted motorist saw a man struggling to change a tire alongside the highway, and pulled over to see whether he could help. The man had a very red face, and a dark smear across it where he’d wiped off sweat with dirty hands. His tie was undone and his shirt collar askew, and it was clear he had also wiped his hands on his once-white shirt. Close to him stood an immaculately neat woman who was speaking in quick, agitated tones.

“Hello, there,” said the motorist. “Say, I’ve changed a lot of tires. Maybe I can help here.”

“You sure can,” the man with the flat tire replied wearily. “My wife is an expert, too. If you will just do all the arguing with her about how this tire ought to be changed, I can concentrate on the dirty work and get the job done.”

A Boy or Girl?

Man: “Just look at that young person with the short hair and blue jeans. Is it a boy or a girl?”

Bystander: “It’s a girl. She’s my daughter.”

Man: “Oh, please forgive me sir. I had no idea you were her father!”

Bystander: “I’m not. I’m her mother.”

Home is Where They Understand You

“Home is not where you live but where they understand you.” – Christion Morgenstern

Before I Was a Mom

Before I was a Mom, I made and ate hot meals. I had unstained clothing. I had quiet conversations on the phone.

Before I was a Mom, I slept as late as I wanted and never worried about how late I got into bed. I brushed my hair and my teeth everyday.

Before I was Mom, I cleaned my house each day. I never tripped over toys or forgot words to lullabies.

Before I was a Mom, I didn’t worry whether or not my plants were poisonous. I never thought about immunizations.

Before I was a Mom, I had never been puked on, pooped on, spit on, chewed on, peed on, or pinched by tiny fingers.

Before I was a Mom, I had complete control of my mind, my thoughts, my body, and my time. I slept all night.

Before I was a Mom, I never held down a screaming child so that doctors could do tests or give shots. I never looked into teary eyes and cried. I never got gloriously happy over a simple grin. I never sat up late hours at night watching a baby sleep.

Before I was a Mom, I never held a sleeping baby just because I didn’t want to put it down. I never felt my heart break into a million pieces when I couldn’t stop the hurt. I never knew that something so small could affect my life so much. I never knew that I could love someone so much. I never knew I would love being a Mom.

Before I was a Mom, I didn’t know the feeling of having my heart outside my body. I didn’t know how special it could feel to feed a hungry baby. I didn’t know that bond between a Mother and her child. I didn’t know that something so small Could make me feel so important.

Before I was a Mom, I had never gotten up in the middle of the night every 10 minutes to make sure all was okay. I had never known the warmth, the joy, the love, the heartache, the wonderfulment, or the satisfaction of being a Mom. I didn’t know I was capable of feeling so much before I was a Mom.

The Wedding Cake

A groom wanted to surprise his bride on their wedding day so he arranged with the bakery to have a Bible verse inscribed on the cake.

He chose 1 John 4:18, which reads: “There is no fear in love. But perfect love drives out fear, because fear has to do with punishment. The one who fears is not made perfect in love”.

But the baker, not being familiar with the Bible, got the verse wrong and on the day of his wedding the groom was surprised to find the cake inscribed with John 4:18, which read: “You are right when you say you have no husband. The fact is, you have had five husbands, and the man you now have is not your husband.”

Sharing Everything

The little old couple walked slowly into McDonald’s that cold winter evening. They looked out of place amid the young families and young couples eating there that night. Some of the customers looked admiringly at them.

You could tell what the admirers were thinking: “Look, there is a couple who has been through a lot together, probably for 60 years or more!”

The little old man walked right up to the cash register, placed his order with no hesitation and then paid for their meal. The couple took a table near the back wall and started taking food off of the tray. There was one hamburger, one order of french fries and one drink.

The little old man unwrapped the plain hamburger and carefully cut it in half. He placed one half in front of his wife. Then he carefully counted out the french fries, divided them in two piles and neatly placed one pile in front of his wife. He took a sip of the drink, his wife took a sip and then set the cup down between them.

As the man began to eat his few bites of hamburger, the crowd began to get restless. Again you could tell what they were thinking: “That poor old couple. All they can afford is one meal for the two of them.” As the man began to eat his french fries one young man stood and came over to the old couple’s table. He politely offered to buy another meal for the old couple to eat. The old man replied that they were just fine. They were used to sharing everything.

Then the crowd noticed that the little old lady hadn’t eaten a bite. She just sat there watching her husband eat and occasionally taking turns sipping the drink. Again the young man came over and begged them to let him buy them something to eat. Tha man again explained that no, they were used to sharing everything together.

As the little old man finished eating and was wiping his face neatly with a napkin, the young man could stand it no longer. Again he came over to their table and offered to buy some food. After being politely refused again, he finally asked a question of the little old lady: “Ma’am, why aren’t you eating? You said that you share everything. What is it that you are waiting for?”

She answered, “The teeth.”

I'm the Boss

My boss was complaining in a staff meeting the other day that he wasn’t getting any respect. Later that morning he went out and got a small sign that read, “I’m the Boss.” He then taped it to his office door.

Later that day when he returned from lunch, he found that someone had taped a note to the sign that said: “Your wife called. She wants you to bring her sign back.”

Tell Me Something Positive

A husband and wife are getting ready for bed. The wife is standing in front of a full-length mirror taking a hard look at herself.

“You know, dear,” she says, “I look in the mirror, and I see an old woman. My face is all wrinkled, my hair is grey, my shoulders are hunched over, I’ve got fat legs, and my arms are all flabby.”

She turns to her husband and says, “Tell me something positive to make me feel better about myself.”

He studies hard for a moment thinking about it and then says in a soft, thoughtful voice, “Well, there’s nothing wrong with your eyesight.”

Services for the husband will be held Saturday morning at 10:30 at St. Anselm’s Memorial Chapel.

Disappointed Housewife

A worried Mrs. Melnik sprang to the telephone when it rang and listened with relief to the kindly voice in her ear.

“How are you, darling?” it said. “What kind of a day are you having?”

“Oh, mother,” said the housewife, breaking into bitter tears, “I’ve had such a bad day. The baby won’t eat and the washing machine broke down. I haven’t had a chance to go shopping, and besides, I’ve just sprained my ankle and I have to hobble around. On top of that, the house is a mess and I’m supposed to have two couples to dinner tonight.”

The mother was shocked and was at once all sympathy. “Oh, darling,” she said, “sit down, relax, and close your eyes. I’ll be over in half an hour. I’ll do your shopping, clean up the house, and cook your dinner for you. I’ll feed the baby and I’ll call a repairman I know who’ll be at your house to fix the washing machine promptly. Now stop crying. I’ll do everything. In fact, I’ll even call Morty at the office and tell him he ought to come home and help out for once.”

“Morty?” said the housewife. “Who’s Morty?”

“Why, Morty! Your husband! Is this 555-1374?

“No, this is 555-1375.”

“Oh, I’m sorry. I guess I have the wrong number.”

There was a short pause and the housewife said, “Does this mean you’re not coming over?”

The Lecture

The man was in no shape to drive, so he wisely left his car parked and walked home. As he was walking unsteadily along, he was stopped by a policeman.

“What are you doing out here at 2:00 in the morning?” said the officer.

“I’m going to a lecture,” the man said.

“And who is going to give a lecture at this hour?” the cop asked.

“My wife,” said the man.

The Divorce Call

A man in Phoenix calls his son in New York the day before Christmas and says, “I hate to ruin your day, but I have to tell you that your mother and I are divorcing; forty-five years of misery is enough.”

“Pop, what are you talking about?” the son screams.

“We can’t stand the sight of each other any longer,” the father says. “We’re sick of each other, and I’m sick of talking about this, so you call your sister in Chicago and tell her.”

Frantic, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone. “No way they’re getting divorced!” she shouts, “I’ll take care of this.”

She calls Phoenix immediately and screams at her father, “You are not getting divorced. Don’t do a single thing until I get there. I’m calling my brother back, and we’ll both be there tomorrow. Until then, don’t do a thing, DO YOU HEAR ME?” and hangs up.

The old man hangs up his phone and turns to his wife. “Okay,” he says, “they’re coming home for Christmas and paying their own way!”

The Flower System

An absent-minded husband thought he had conquered his problem of trying to remember his wife’s birthday and their anniversary. He opened an account with a florist, provided that florist with the dates and instructions to send flowers to his wife on these dates along with an appropriate note signed, “Your loving husband.”

His wife was thrilled by this new display of attention and all went well until next year, on their anniversary, when he came home, kissed his wife and said off-handedly, “Nice flowers, honey. Where’d you get them?”

No Charge

My little boy came into the kitchen this evening while I was fixing supper. And he handed me a piece of paper he’d been writing on. So, after wiping my hands on my apron, I read it, and this is what it said:

• For mowing the grass, $5.
• For making my own bed this week, $1.
• For going to the store $.50.
• For playing with baby brother while you went shopping, $.25.
• For taking out the trash, $1.
• For getting a good report card, $5.
• And for raking the yard, $2.

Well, I looked at him standing there expectantly, and a thousand memories flashed through my mind. So, I picked up the paper, and turning it over, this is what I wrote:

• For the nine months I carried you, growing inside me, No Charge.
• For the nights I sat up with you, doctored you prayed for you, No charge.
• For the time and the tears, and the cost through the years, No Charge.
• For the nights filled with dread, and the worries ahead, No Charge.
• For advice and the knowledge, and the cost of your college, No Charge.
• For the toys, food and clothes, and for wiping your nose, No Charge.
• Son, when you add it all up, the full cost of my love is No Charge.

Well, when he finished reading, he had great big tears in his eyes. And he looked up at me and he said, “Mama, I sure do love you.” Then he took the pen and in great big letters he wrote, PAID IN FULL.

“No Charge” was written by Gospel singer Shirley Ceasar. It was also a country song produced by Howard-Sony Tree Publishing Co., Inc. and sung by Melba Montgomery.

My Mother Taught Me

• My mother taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE. “If you’re going to kill each other, do it outside. I just finished cleaning.”
• My mother taught me RELIGION. “You’d better pray that will come out of the carpet.”
• My mother taught me about TIME TRAVEL. “If you don’t straighten up, I’m going to knock you into the middle of next week!”
• My mother taught me LOGIC. “Because I said so, that’s why.”
• My mother taught me MORE LOGIC. “If you fall out of that swing and break your neck, you’re not going to the store with me.”
• My mother taught me FORESIGHT. “Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you’re in an accident.”
• My mother taught me IRONY. “Keep crying, and I’ll give you something to cry about.”
• My mother taught me about the science of OSMOSIS. “Shut your mouth and eat your supper.”
• My mother taught me about CONTORTIONISM. “Will you look at that dirt on the back of your neck!”
• My mother taught me about STAMINA. “You’ll sit there until all that spinach is gone.”
• My mother taught me about WEATHER. “This room of yours looks as if a tornado went through it.”
• My mother taught me about HYPOCRISY. “If I told you once, I’ve told you a million times. Don’t exaggerate!”
• My mother taught me the CIRCLE OF LIFE. “I brought you into this world, and I can take you out.”
• My mother taught me about BEHAVIOR MODIFICATION. “Stop acting like your father!”
• My mother taught me about ENVY. “There are millions of less fortunate children in this world who don’t have wonderful parents like you do.”
• My mother taught me about ANTICIPATION. “Just wait until we get home.”
• My mother taught me about RECEIVING. “You are going to get it when you get home!”
• My mother taught me MEDICAL SCIENCE. “If you don’t stop crossing your eyes, they are going to freeze that way.”
• My mother taught me ESP. “Put your sweater on; don’t you think I know when you are cold?”
• My mother taught me HUMOR. “When that lawnmower cuts off your toes, don’t come running to me.”
• My mother taught me HOW TO BECOME AN ADULT. “If you don’t eat your vegetables, you’ll never grow up.”
• My mother taught me GENETICS. “You’re just like your father.”
• My mother taught me about my ROOTS. “Shut that door behind you. Do you think you were born in a barn?”
• My mother taught me WISDOM. “When you get to be my age, you’ll understand.”
• My mother taught me about JUSTICE. “One day you’ll have kids, and I hope they turn out just like you!”

Family Problems

Two men met recently and struck up a conversation. One was telling the other about some problems he was having with one of his kids.

After a while the other guy said, “You think you have family problems? Get a load of my situation. A few years ago I met a young widow with a grown-up daughter and we got married. Later, my father married my stepdaughter. That made my stepdaughter my stepmother and my father became my stepson.

“Also, my wife became mother-in-law of her father-in-law. Then the daughter of my wife, my stepmother, had a son. This boy was my half-brother because he was my father’s son, but he was also the son of my wife’s daughter, which made him my wife’s grandson. That made me grandfather of my half-brother.

“This was nothing until my wife and I had a son. Now the sister of my son, my mother-in-law, is also the grandmother. This makes my father the brother-in-law of my child, whose stepsister is my father’s wife.

“I am my stepmother’s brother-in-law, my wife is her own child’s aunt, my son is my father’s nephew and I am my own grandfather. Sheesh! You think you have family problems.”