Cheerful Giver

A mother wanted to teach her daughter a moral lesson. She gave the little girl a quarter and a dollar for church. “Put whichever one you want in the collection plate and keep the other for yourself,” she told the girl.

Sunday, when they were coming out of the church, the mother asked her daughter which amount she had given.

“Well,” said the little girl, “I was going to give the dollar, but just before the collection the preacher said that God loves a cheerful giver. I knew I’d be a lot more cheerful if I gave the quarter, so I did.”

First Time in Church

My grandson, Justin, returned from his first time in church and was asked how it went.

He said, “The music was nice, but the commercial was too long.”

A Sizable Donation

When the minister picked up the phone, Special Agent Struzik from the IRS was on the line.

“Hello, is this the minister?”

“Yes, this is.”

“I’m calling to inquire about a member of your congregation, a Dr. Shipe. Do you recognize the name?”

“Yes, he is a member of our congregation. How can I be of service?”

“Well, on last year’s tax return, the doctor claimed that he made a sizable tax-deductable contribution to your church. Is this true?”

“Well, I’ll have to have our bookkeeper verify this information for you. How much did Dr. Shipe say he contributed?”

“Twenty five thousand dollars,” answered Agent Struzik. “Can you tell me if that amount is true?”

There is a long pause. “I’ll tell you what,” replied the minister…

“Call back tomorrow. I’m sure it will be.”

Things You Never Hear in Church

• Hey! It’s my turn to sit in the front pew.
• I was so enthralled, I never noticed your sermon went 25 minutes overtime.
• Personally, I find witnessing much more enjoyable than golf.
• I’ve decided to give our church the $500 a month I used to send to TV evangelists.
• I volunteer to be the permanent teacher for the Junior High Sunday School class.
• Forget the denominational minimum salary; let’s pay our pastor so he can live like we do.
• I love it when we sing hymns I’ve never heard before.
• Since we’re all here, let’s start the service early.
• Pastor, we’d like to send you to this Bible seminar in the Bahamas.
• Nothing inspires me and strengthens my commitment like our annual stewardship campaign.

The Pastoral Search Committee

In our search for a suitable pastor, the following scratch sheet was developed for your perusal. Of the candidates investigated by the committee, only one was found to have the necessary qualities. The list contains the names of the candidates and comments on each, should you be interested in investigating them further for future pastoral placements.

Noah – He has 120 years of preaching experience, but no converts.

Moses – He stutters; and his former congregation says he loses his temper over trivial things.

Abraham – He took off to Egypt during hard times. We heard that he got into trouble with the authorities and then tried to lie his way out.

David – He is an unacceptable moral character. He might have been considered for minister of music had he not fallen.

Solomon – He has a reputation for wisdom but fails to practice what he preaches.

Elijah – He proved to be inconsistent, and is known to fold under pressure.

Hosea – His family life is in a shambles. Divorced, and remarried to a prostitute.

Jeremiah – He is too emotional, alarmist; some say a real pain in the neck.

Amos – Comes from a farming background. Better off picking figs.

John – He says he is a Baptist but lacks tact and dresses like a hippie. Would not feel comfortable around him at a church potluck supper.

Peter – Has a bad temper, and was heard to have even denied Christ publicly.

Paul – We found him to lack tact. He is too harsh. His appearance is contemptible, and he preaches far too long.

Timothy – He has potential, but is much too young for the position.

Jesus – He tends to offend church members with his preaching, especially Bible scholars. He is also too controversial. He even offended the search committee with his pointed questions.

Judas – He seemed to be very practical, cooperative, good with money, cares for the poor, and dresses well. We all agreed that he is just the man we are looking for to fill the vacancy as our Senior Pastor.

Thank you for all you have done in assisting us with our pastoral search.

Sincerely,
The Pastoral Search Committee

Missing in Ch–ch

What is missing in CH – - CH? U R!

How are Churches Held Together

How are churches held together? They can be wired together by organization. They can be frozen together by formaility. They can be rusted together by tradition. They can be melted together by the Holy Spirit.