The $2.99 Special

We went to breakfast at a restaurant where the ’seniors’ special’ was two eggs, bacon, hash browns and toast for $2.99.

‘Sounds good,’ my wife said. ‘But I don’t want the eggs.’

‘Then, I’ll have to charge you three dollars and forty-nine cents because you’re ordering a la carte,’ the waitress warned her.

‘You mean I’d have to pay for not taking the eggs?’ my wife asked incredulously.

‘YES!!’ stated the waitress.

‘I’ll take the special then,’ my wife said.

‘How do you want your eggs?’ the waitress asked.

‘Raw and in the shell,’ my wife replied. She took the two eggs home and baked a cake.

A Prayer for the Caregiver

Unknown and often unnoticed, you are a hero nonetheless.

For your love, sacrificial, is God at his best.

You walk by faith in the darkness of the great unknown,

And your courage, even in weakness, gives life to your beloved.

You hold shaking hands and provide the ultimate care:

Your presence, the knowing, that you are simply there.

You rise to face the giant of disease and despair,

It is your finest hour, though you may be unaware.

You are resilient, amazing, and beauty unexcelled,

You are the caregiver and you have done well!

- Bruce McIntyre

The Philosophy Exam

An eccentric philosophy professor gave a one question final exam after a semester dealing with a broad array of topics.

The class was already seated and ready to go when the professor picked up his chair, plopped it on his desk and wrote on the board: “Using everything we have learned this semester, prove that this chair does not exist.”

Fingers flew, erasers erased, notebooks were filled in furious fashion. Some students wrote over 30 pages in one hour attempting to refute the existence of the chair. One member of the class however, was up and finished in less than a minute. Weeks later when the grades were posted, the rest of the group wondered how he could have gotten an A when he had barely written anything at all.

His answer consisted of two words: “What chair?”

The Broken Doll

Little Emily ran into the house, crying as though her heart would break.

“What’s wrong, dear?” asked her mother.

“My doll! Billy broke it!” she sobbed.

“How did he break it, Emily?”

“I hit him over the head with it.”

The Vacant Seat

A sports fan was sitting in the top row at the Super Bowl, barely able to see the field. He noticed a vacant seat about 3 rows back on the 50-yard line. It was still vacant when the second quarter started, so he went down and asked the man seated next to it if anyone was sitting there.

The man said “No, have a seat.” A few minutes later he asked the man if he knew whose seat this was and why they weren’t here at such an important event. The man said that for ten years it had been his wife’s seat but that she had passed away.

Feeling sorry for the nice man, the fan asked if he didn’t have a friend or family member that he could have offered the seat to instead of just leaving it vacant. The man said “No, they’re all at the funeral.”

Fractured Christmas Carols

Listen very closely when kids sing Christmas carols, This is what you just might hear!

• Deck the Halls with Buddy Holly…
• We three kings of porridge and tar…
• On the first day of Christmas my tulip gave to me…
• Later on we’ll perspire, as we dream by the fire…
• He’s makin’ a list, chicken and rice…
• Noel. Noel, Barney’s the king of Israel…
• With the jelly toast proclaim…
• Olive, the other reindeer…
• Frosty the Snowman is a ferret elf, I say…
• Sleep in heavenly peas…
• In the meadow we can build a snowman, Then pretend that he is sparse and brown…
• You’ll go down in Listerine…
• Oh, what fun it is to ride with one horse, soap and hay…
• O come, froggy faithful…
• You’ll tell Carol, “Be a skunk, I require…”
• Good tidings we bring to you and your kid…

The Aging Intelligence Test

How’s your aging intelligence? Take the following test here and determine if you are losing it or are still “with it.”

1. What do you put in a toaster?

The answer is “bread.” If you said “toast,” then give up now and go do something else. Try not to hurt yourself. If you said, “bread,” go to Question 2.

2. Say “silk” five times. Now spell “silk.” What do cows drink?

Answer: Cows drink water. If you said “milk,” please do not attempt the next question. Your brain is obviously over stressed and may even overheat. It may be that you need to content yourself with reading something more appropriate such as “Children’s World.” If you said, “water” then proceed to Question 3.

3. If a red house is made from red bricks and a blue house is made from blue bricks and a pink house is made from pink bricks and a black house is made from black bricks, what is a greenhouse made from?

Answer: Greenhouses are made from glass. If you said “green bricks,” what are you still doing here reading these questions?? If you said “glass,” then go on to Question 4.

4. If the hour hand on a clock moves 1/60 of a degree every minute then how many degrees will the hour hand move in one hour?

Answer: One degree. If you said “360 degrees” or anything other than “one degree,” you are to be congratulated on getting this far, but you are obviously out of your league. Turn your pencil in and exit the room. Everyone else proceed to the final question.

5. Without using a calculator – You are driving a bus from London to Milford Haven in Wales.

In London, 17 people get on the bus.

In Reading, six people get off the bus and nine people get on.

In Swindon, two people get off and four get on.

In Cardiff, 11 people get off and 16 people get on.

In Swansea, three people get off and five people get on.

In Carmathen, six people get off and three get on.

You then arrive at Milford Haven.

What was the name of the bus driver?

Answer: Oh, for crying out loud! Don’t you remember? It was YOU!

A Lesson Learned from Goliath

A second grader recited for the teacher the story of David using a slingshot to kill the giant Goliath.

“What does that teach us?”, the teacher asked.

The boy replied, “Duck.”

Someone Has to Do Something

Someone has to tell an unsaved friend how to accept Christ as Savior before he does it.

Someone has to “be a friend” to an indifferent non-attender before he will get the church-going habit.

Someone has to “pick up” and bring people who prefer not to “break the church barrier” alone.

Someone has to forgive an enemy before God’s Spirit can work properly in a Christian fellowship.

Someone has to pray that the unsaved will be responsive to the urgings of God’s Spirit.

Someone has to be loyal to the services so that the church can be a real spiritual lighthouse in the community.

Then I realized I was “Someone.”

The New Hearing Aid

We have Assisted Listening Devices at our church for those who might not be able to hear the service without them. A few weeks ago I offered one to Mr. L.

He told me that he didn’t need one because he had just bought a new hearing aid, and it cost him $4,000. I asked him, “What kind is it?” He looked at his wrist and said, “About 10:55.”

Following the Teacher’s Example

A professor was too ill to teach his course, but didn’t want his students to go without. He audio taped his lecture, and sent it in to be played during his class.

The experiment went so well, that the professor started taping his lectures and sending them in even after he felt better.

After several weeks of this, he decided actually to attend the class himself, and give his lecture live. When he arrived he found an empty classroom, with 120 tape recorders all set to record his talk.

Cheerful Giver

A mother wanted to teach her daughter a moral lesson. She gave the little girl a quarter and a dollar for church. “Put whichever one you want in the collection plate and keep the other for yourself,” she told the girl.

Sunday, when they were coming out of the church, the mother asked her daughter which amount she had given.

“Well,” said the little girl, “I was going to give the dollar, but just before the collection the preacher said that God loves a cheerful giver. I knew I’d be a lot more cheerful if I gave the quarter, so I did.”

Caught Cheating

A bunch of guys were sitting around the office playing poker. “I win!” said Johnson, at which point Henderson threw down his cards.

“That’s it! I’ve had it! Johnson is cheating!”

“How can you tell?” Phillips asked.

“Those aren’t the cards I dealt him!”

Getting Organized

My sister was bemoaning the fact that she had procrastinated cleaning and organizing her house for a long time. Since she was planning to entertain, she felt a lot of pressure to get moving.

That afternoon she phoned, sounding glum. “I went to the bookstore,” she explained. “And I bought a book on how to get organized. I was all fired up, and decided to clean out all the shelves in the living room. While I was working, I found the same book. I had bought it a couple of years ago.”

Sincerity

One summer evening, an thirteen-year-old came in while his parents were setting the table for supper. Quite surprisingly, he asked if he could help.

His mother said, “No, but I appreciate your asking.”

The child responded, “Well, I appreciate your saying no.”

The Mommy Test

I was out walking with my then 4 year old daughter. She picked up something off the ground and started to put it in her mouth. I asked her not to do that.

“Why?”

“Because it’s been laying outside and is dirty and probably has germs.”

At this point, she looked at me with total admiration and asked, “Wow! How do you know all this stuff?”

“Uh,” I was thinking quickly, everyone knows this stuff, “Um, it’s on the Mommy test. You have to know it, or they don’t let you be a Mommy.”

“Oh.”

We walked along in silence for 2 or 3 minutes, but she was evidently pondering this new information.

“I get it!!!!” she beamed. “Then if you flunk, you have to be the Daddy.”

Picnic Punishment

The minister’s little six-year-old girl had been so naughty during the week, that her mother decided to give her the worst kind of punishment. She told her she couldn’t go to the Sunday School Picnic on Saturday.

When the day came, her mother felt she had been too harsh and changed her mind. When she told the little girl she could go to the picnic, the child’s reaction was one of gloom and unhappiness.

“What’s the matter? I thought you’d be glad to go to the picnic.” her mother said.

“It’s too late!” the little girl said. “I’ve already prayed for rain!”

Mistaken Identity

Two cars were waiting at a stoplight. The light turned green, but the man didn’t notice it. A woman in the car behind him is watching traffic pass around them. The woman begins pounding on her steering wheel and yelling at the man to move. The man doesn’t move. The woman is going ballistic inside her car, ranting and raving at the man, pounding on her steering wheel and dash.

The light turns yellow and the woman begins to blow the car horn, flips him off, and screams profanity and curses at the man. The man, looks up, sees the yellow light and accelerates through the intersection just as the light turns red. The woman is beside herself, screaming in frustration as she misses her chance to get through the intersection.

As she is still in mid-rant she hears a tap on her window and looks up into the barrel of a gun held by a very serious looking policeman. The policeman tells! her to shut off her car while keeping both hands in sight. She complies, speechless at what is happening. After she shuts off the engine, the policeman orders her to exit her car with her hands up.

She gets out of the car and he orders her to turn and place her hands on her car. She turns, places her hands on the car roof and quickly is cuffed and hustled into the patrol car. She is too bewildered by the chain of events to ask any questions and is driven to the police station where she is fingerprinted, photographed, searched, booked and placed in a cell.

After a couple of hours, a policeman approaches the cell and opens the door for her. She is escorted back to the booking desk where the original officer is waiting with her personal effects. He hands her the bag containing her things, and says, “I’m really sorry for this mistake. But you see, I pulled up behind your car while you were blowing your horn, flipping the guy off in front of you, and cussing a blue streak at him.

Then I noticed the: “Choose Life” license plate holder, the “What Would Jesus Do” bumper sticker, the “Follow Me to Sunday School” bumper sticker, and the chrome plated Christian fish emblem on the trunk.

So, naturally, I assumed you had stolen the car.”

The Realistic Miracle Diet

Breakfast: 1/2 grapefruit, 1 slice of whole wheat toast, 8 oz. low fat or skim milk

Lunch: 4 oz lean broiled chicken breast, 1 cup steamed spinach, 1 cup herbal tea, 1 Oreo cookie

Mid-Afternoon Snack: Rest of Oreos in pack, 2 pints Haagen Daz ice cream, 1 jar hot fudge sauce, nuts, cherries, whipped cream.

Dinner: 2 loaves garlic bread with cheese, Large sausage and cheese pizza, 4 cans or 1 large pitcher diet soda, 3 Milky Way candy bars

Late Evening News: Entire Sara Lee cheesecake eaten directly from freezer.

BASIC RULES FOR THIS DIET

• If you eat something and no one sees you eat it, it has no calories.
• If you drink diet soda with candy bars, the calories in the candy bar are cancelled out by the diet soda.
• When you eat with someone else, calories don’t count as long as you don’t eat more than they do.
• Food used for medicinal purposes never counts, such as hot chocolate, toast, and Sara Lee cheesecake.
• If you fatten up the people around you, then you look thinner.
• Movie-related foods do not have additional calories because they are part of the entire entertainment package and are not part of one’s personal intake. (Examples are Milk Duds, buttered popcorn, Junior Mints, Red Hots and Tootsie Rolls.)
• Cookie pieces contain no calories. The process of breaking cookies causes caloric leakage.
• Things licked off knives and spoons have no calories if you are in the process of preparing something. (Examples are peanut butter on a knife while making a sandwich or ice cream on a spoon while making a sundae.)
• Foods that have the same color have the same number of calories. For instance, spinach and pistachio ice cream, cauliflower and whipped cream.
• NOTE: Chocolate is a universal substitute and may be used in place of any other food.

First Time in Church

My grandson, Justin, returned from his first time in church and was asked how it went.

He said, “The music was nice, but the commercial was too long.”